The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
by Philippa Perry
4.1Psychotherapist Philippa Perry skips the quick fixes and the perfect plans, and looks instead at what really matters in the relationship between a parent and a child. It's about understanding how your own upbringing shapes the way you parent, handling feelings (theirs and yours), and what to do when you inevitably get things wrong.
Why Dad Recommends It
I think this is the one book I'd hand to any parent, whatever age their children are. Philippa Perry isn't selling a system or a set of rules. Instead she asks you to look at yourself: how you were raised, which reactions you've carried with you, and how those can come out when your child pushes your buttons. It's warm, honest and completely free of judgement, which is a relief after a lot of parenting advice. She is clear that you will make mistakes, and that what matters is noticing and putting things right afterwards. As a dad of three, I also like that the Penguin paperback adds a new chapter on sibling relationships. It's no surprise it became a Sunday Times bestseller and was shortlisted for Non-Fiction Lifestyle Book of the Year at the British Book Awards 2020.
What Children Can Learn
When parents take this book's ideas on board, children learn that all their feelings are allowed and will be listened to. They also see that grown-ups get things wrong too, and that saying sorry and making up is a normal part of a loving family.
What Parents Can Take From It
The biggest takeaway is to stop and ask where a reaction is coming from before it comes out. Perry encourages you to notice the patterns you picked up in your own childhood so you can decide which ones to keep and which to break. Another is to see children's behaviour as communication: there's usually a feeling or a need behind it, even when it doesn't look like it. And when you lose your temper, which every parent does, the job isn't to be perfect but to go back and repair. This is a good book to read alongside your partner and talk through chapter by chapter.
Discussion Questions For The Family
- 1Which habits from your own childhood do you want to keep with your children, and which would you rather leave behind?
- 2Think of the last time one of the kids misbehaved. What might they have been trying to tell you?
- 3How do we make up as a family after an argument, and could we do it better?
Disclaimer: Book recommendations reflect The Dad Gram's personal opinions. Availability, pricing, and retailer information may change, so please check the publisher or retailer for current details.
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