How to Talk to Your Children About Feelings: A Dad's Guide

For a lot of dads, talking about feelings doesn't come naturally. Many of us grew up in homes where emotions weren't really discussed, especially between fathers and children. Boys were told not to cry. Problems were dealt with quietly, if at all.

But our children are growing up in a different world, and they need us to help them make sense of what's going on inside. The good news is you don't need to be a therapist or have all the right words. You just need to be willing to start.

Why it matters coming from dad

Children learn how to handle emotions by watching the grown-ups around them. When a dad names his feelings, listens without rushing to fix things, and stays calm when his child is upset, he's teaching a powerful lesson: feelings are normal, and they can be talked about safely.

For sons, it shows that being a man and having emotions go together. For daughters, it shows that the men in their lives can be gentle, patient listeners. Either way, it builds trust that will matter even more in the teenage years, when the conversations get bigger.

Start early, and start small

With babies and toddlers, this starts long before they can talk. The NSPCC explains that when you respond to your child's sounds and movements, for example soothing a fussy little one with a gentle rhyme, you build a trusting relationship and help teach them ways to deal with stress.

As children grow, you can start giving feelings a name. "You look really cross that we had to leave the park." "I think you're feeling nervous about tomorrow." Simple labels help children understand what's happening in their bodies and minds, and they make big feelings feel a bit less scary.

Make it part of everyday life

Feelings talk doesn't need a special sit-down conversation. In fact, many children find face-to-face chats a bit intense. Some of the best moments happen side by side, in the car, on a walk, while cooking together, building Lego or kicking a ball about.

Try a simple daily check-in at dinner or bedtime. Questions like "What was the best bit of your day?" and "Was there anything that felt hard today?" can open the door without making a big deal of it.

Listen more than you speak

When your child does open up, the most important thing is to listen. Resist the urge to jump straight in with solutions or to tell them it's nothing to worry about. To a child, it's clearly something.

Try reflecting back what you've heard: "So you felt left out when they started a game without you." Then ask, "What do you think might help?" Feeling understood often matters more to a child than having the problem solved straight away.

All feelings are allowed, not all behaviour is

Anger, jealousy, sadness and fear are all part of being human. It's fine to feel them. What we can help with is what our children do with those feelings. You might say, "It's OK to feel angry, but it's not OK to hit. Let's find another way to let that anger out." Stamping feet, squeezing a cushion or taking deep breaths together are all good options.

Share your own feelings, gently

You can model this yourself in an age-appropriate way. "Baba's feeling a bit tired and grumpy today, so I'm going to have a cup of tea and a few quiet minutes." This shows children that grown-ups have feelings too, and that there are healthy ways to cope with them.

The key is not to burden children with adult worries. They need to know that we're OK and that they're safe, even when we're having a tough day.

When you get it wrong

You will lose your temper sometimes. Every parent does. What matters is what happens next. Coming back and saying, "I'm sorry I shouted earlier. I was feeling stressed, but that wasn't fair on you," is one of the most valuable things a dad can do. It teaches children that relationships can be repaired, and that saying sorry is a strength, not a weakness.

Books and play can help

Stories are a wonderful, gentle way into feelings. Reading a book together and asking, "How do you think that character felt?" lets children talk about emotions without it being about them directly. Drawing, role play with toys and simple games can do the same for younger children.

When to look for more support

All children have ups and downs. But if you're worried that your child's feelings or behaviour have changed a lot, or are lasting a long time, it's worth getting advice. Your GP or your child's school are good places to start.

YoungMinds runs a free, confidential Parents Helpline for parents and carers worried about the mental health of a child or young person aged 25 or under. You can call 0808 802 5544 from 9.30am to 4pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and from 9.30am to 6pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. YoungMinds is clear that it isn't a crisis service.

Children and young people under 19 can also call Childline free on 0800 1111. The NHS notes that the number won't appear on your phone bill.

The conversation that keeps going

Talking about feelings isn't a single chat you tick off. It's an ongoing conversation that grows as your children do. The more normal it feels when they're small, the more likely they are to keep coming to you when they're older and the stakes are higher.

So tonight, try one simple question at bedtime, and then just listen. You might be surprised by what you hear.