Making Time for Yourself as a Dad (and Why It Isn't Selfish)

Ask most dads when they last did something just for themselves, and you'll often get a long pause. Between work, school runs, homework, bedtimes, family commitments and keeping the house in some kind of order, our own needs tend to slide quietly to the bottom of the list.

Many of us also carry a little voice that says taking time for ourselves is selfish. Surely every spare hour should go to the family?

I'd like to gently push back on that. Looking after yourself isn't selfish. It's part of looking after your family.

The empty cup problem

You've probably heard the saying that you can't pour from an empty cup. It's become a bit of a cliché, but there's real truth in it. When we're running on empty, we're more likely to be short tempered, distracted and worn out. The NHS Every Mind Matters service lists feeling irritable or overwhelmed among the signs of stress, and warns that long-term stress can lead to burnout.

Our children don't need a dad who never stops. They need a dad who has enough energy, patience and good humour to enjoy being with them. Taking time to recharge is how we get there.

What "me time" can look like

It doesn't have to be a weekend away or an expensive hobby. For most dads, it's about small, regular pockets of time that are genuinely yours. The NHS five steps to mental wellbeing are a helpful guide here.

Be active. The NHS recommends adults aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity a week, such as brisk walking or cycling, plus strengthening activities on at least two days. Helpfully, the NHS counts lifting and carrying children as a muscle-strengthening activity, so you may be doing more than you think. A run, a swim, a game of five-a-side or a walk in the park on your own can be a brilliant reset.

Learn something new. The NHS says learning new skills can boost self-confidence and give a sense of purpose. That could be trying a new recipe, a DIY project, a language or a hobby you've always fancied.

Connect with friends. The NHS lists connecting with other people as a key step to wellbeing. Friendships often take a back seat once children arrive, but a regular coffee, a match with mates or a phone call to an old friend can do wonders.

Give to others. The NHS says acts of kindness and volunteering can create positive feelings and a sense of purpose. Helping out at a community group or a local mosque, church or charity can be time for you as well as for others.

Pay attention to the present moment. The NHS describes mindfulness as paying more attention to your thoughts, feelings, body and the world around you. Even ten quiet minutes with a cup of tea, without your phone, counts.

Why it isn't selfish

Think about what your children see when you look after yourself. They see a dad who values his health, keeps his friendships going and makes time for the things he loves. They learn that taking care of yourself is normal and healthy, which is exactly what we want for them when they're grown up.

There's also a practical side. A dad who's rested and recharged is usually more patient at bedtime, more playful at the weekend and better able to handle the inevitable chaos of family life. Everybody benefits.

How to actually make the time

Talk to your partner. Time for yourself works best when it's fair for both parents. Sit down together and work out how you can each get regular time to recharge, whether that's one evening a week each or alternating weekend mornings.

Put it in the diary. If it isn't planned, it usually doesn't happen. Treat your gym session, walk or catch-up with a friend like any other appointment.

Start small. Twenty minutes is better than nothing. An early morning walk before the house wakes up, or a short swim at lunchtime, can make a real difference.

Combine where you can. Some activities can be shared, like a family bike ride or cooking together. These are lovely, but they're not a replacement for some time that's just yours.

Watch out for the scroll. It's easy to think an hour on your phone is "me time", but mindless scrolling rarely leaves us feeling refreshed. Try swapping some of it for something that genuinely recharges you.

Letting go of the guilt

If you feel guilty stepping out for an hour, remind yourself why you're doing it. You're not running away from your family. You're making sure you can show up for them properly, today and for years to come.

And if you notice that you're struggling to enjoy anything, even when you do get time to yourself, that's worth paying attention to. Every Mind Matters advises seeing a GP if you have symptoms that worry you or feel your stress is more severe. Samaritans is also there to listen, any time of day or night, free on 116 123.

A little permission

So consider this your permission slip. Book that game of football. Go for that walk. Ring that friend you keep meaning to call. Your family needs you at your best, and you deserve to feel like yourself again.